


tiny and bright, my own light

by i_was_human



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Study, Dreams, Gen, Lee Minsoo-centric, No beta we die like mne, Self-Hatred, but like. the hope kind, in a way? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: Someone motivated by hate, by the shambling husk of a dream-what does that make him?
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Lee Minsoo, Lee Minsoo & Lee Minsung
Kudos: 15





	tiny and bright, my own light

✧

For as long as he can remember, Minsoo's been able to see dreams.

They float around people's heads - tiny glowing orbs, each following its own orbit - but he doesn't have a name for it until he sees the boy next to him in class stand up and proudly proclaim he's going to be an astronaut. 

Minsoo watches, eyes wide, as a small glowing sphere emerges from his chest and wobbles into orbit around his head, and from that day forwards, he has a name for them.

He knows other people can't see them - he asked Minsung about them, once, and his older brother, not a single glowing orb around his head, smiled at him and told him he must just be imagining things - so he keeps it to himself, the glowing orbs his own secret.

He sees dreams die - sees orbs dull and crumble - and sees them grow - previously dull orbs brightening into a sun-like radiance - but always, always, he sees nothing when he looks in the mirror.

Whether that means he has no dream or just can't see his own dreams, he doesn't know.

He doesn't mention the orbs for years, doesn't mention them until he sees Minsung bent over his schoolwork, two bright orbs shining in their orbits, and he runs over, excitement flowing through his veins.

"What do you wanna be when you grow up, hyung?"

"Go away," Minsung snaps, and Minsoo reels, the words piercing his chest.

"Hyung-"

"I don't have time to play games, Minsoo."

He steps back, horror coiling in his gut. "Hyung-"

"Leave me alone!"

He turns and flees, heart pounding in his ears, and had he stayed a moment longer, he would've seen one orb dim, just a little.

(years later, at ISAC, he'll see it - a dull, gray, cracked orb charting a wobbly path around Minsung's head - and he'll grasp it.)

✧

"You could become an idol!" his teacher tells him, and Minsoo's heart swells.

The next time he passes by a shop's window, he catches sight of a single golden orb tracking a path around his head, and he can't stop grinning for the rest of the day.

 _This is his dream_.

This is his dream, and he'll do whatever he can to achieve it.

✦

It's not fair, Minsoo thinks, back pressed to the door. 

It's not fair that Minsung, whose dream this was _never_ , could do that. It's not fair that he can do this when it's all Minsoo ever wanted, not fair that he gets this so easily when Minsoo worked harder than he ever has, _not fair not fair not fair-_

He stares at his reflection - at the dull, gray orb hovering around his head - and he reaches up to grasp it, gripping it tight enough that it's stopped in its tracks.

What a stupid dream.

And yet-

if he gives up now, he'll just be letting Minsung win.

If he gives up now, Minsung will be right.

He lets go of the orb, and it blazes to life, turning from a dull husk to a blazing-red flame.

How fitting for one motivated by rage.

(it's ugly, he'll later think, ugly and twisted, but dreams motivated by anger are hardly ever nice ones.)

✦

He makes it into Top Class Entertainment, and the red of his broken dream dims, just a little.

It's still ugly, still cracked, still a shattered remnant of a planet where it should be whole, but it's still there, still moving, and that's all Minsoo can hope for by now, isn't it?

He dances, and he moves, and he dreams - fervently, desperately - and the little orb knits itself back together, little by little.

✦

The first time Minsoo meets Dongho, he knows that this is going to be someone important.

He doesn't look it, sporting a judgemental glare and one of the dullest dreams Minsoo's ever seen, but he knows he's someone important all the same.

Call it a gut feeling.

Still, Dongho absolutely _hates_ him, and he's inclined to feel the same - nobody should have that much talent and so little passion - but he's a damn good dancer, so Minsoo's stuck with him.

And yet, even as Minsoo's dream knits itself back together, Dongho's stays stagnant, and Minsoo almost wonders why.

(he sees him, later, nearly three years after their first meeting with a dream that shines like the sun, and _oh_ , Minsoo thinks, _it was always growing, I just never watched it._ )

✦

Daehyun's dream glows like the sun on a hot summer's day, and it's both refreshing and terrifying.

It's not dull in the slightest, and yet Minsoo _knows_ \- knows that he's like Dongho, knows that he'll be important, knows he has the potential to be _something_ \- and in a sick way, he's jealous.

It's disgusting - being jealous of Daehyun for _having a dream_ \- and yet Minsoo's emotions have never listened to logic. 

God knows it would be better if they did.

Still - Daehyun is something, _will be_ something, and he latches onto Minsoo immediately, chattering to him in the halls or inviting him to the company's coffee shop to check out a new music video.

And Daehyun's _nice_ \- the genuine kind of nice that has no motivating factor other than to make people smile - so Minsoo always accepts.

Who knows?

Maybe Daehyun's dream is contagious. 

✦

Jaewon's dream is a tiny, flickering thing, and Minsoo wants nothing more than to see it grow.

He's so _painfully_ afraid - desperately hoping and dreaming for something that might never come to pass - and Minsoo sees a bit of himself in the way Jaewon throws himself into practice, clinging to whatever he can as tightly as possible.

Minsoo's no fool - he knows Jaewon's just a pretty face - but this is his dream, too, and if he's willing to work for it, then what's the harm in looking nice?

Minsoo himself looks like a gremlin, so at least Jaewon can raise the net attractiveness of their group. 

There it is again - _presumptuous_. Their _group_. As if they're ever going to debut.

With how poorly the company's doing, Minsoo almost doubts it.

✦

The day SA1NT debuts, Minsoo punches the wall until his knuckles bleed.

His dream sparks and sputters, turning a deep, deep, bloody red, and he wipes his hands on his jeans, ignoring the way red smears over denim.

That should've been him.

Minsung never wanted it, never dreamed for it, so _why-_

He catches sight of his reflection - _ugly weak not good enough_ \- and drives his fist into the mirror.

(if he tries, he can almost pretend that the glittering shards are dreams.

he's not very good at pretending.)

✦

"You four are going to be MAYHEM."

Minsoo hazards a glance at the others' dreams, and his heart plummets upon seeing them - whirling around and shining brighter than Minsoo's ever seen them.

What does that make him, then?

Someone motivated by hate, by the shambling husk of a dream-

what does that make him?

His gaze lands on the CEO's dreams, taking in the bright orbs that float around his head, and he swallows, dipping his head in a nod.

(a coward. that's what it makes him.)

✦

Some people ask him why he loves video games, and he doesn't know what to say.

He can't say that it's because in movies or shows, he can see the orbs floating around the actors' heads, can't say that he just wants to _stop seeing_ the cracked and broken dreams, so he just makes up some lie about how games are inherently more fun, and people usually drop it.

It's a small-talk question, after all.

Still.

In games, he can become someone different - someone not motivated by anger and fury, someone not _broken_ \- and that thought has always been oh-so-intoxicating.

He kicks away from his desk, gaze flitting over his shitty apartment - the water is cold and the air always smells a bit like smoke, but it's _his_ \- and heads for the refrigerator, tucking his phone in his pocket as he grabs an energy drink.

He catches sight of his reflection in the smooth metal surface - brown hair messy, bags underscoring dull eyes, a cracked, broken dream wobbling around his head - and he turns away, downing the drink in a few quick gulps.

He's so sick of being Minsoo.

✦

They debut, and the gnawing snake of _jealousy_ in Minsoo's chest won't go away.

They debut, and Jaewon's dream - a tiny, flickering ember - dims and dims and dims, and Minsoo only notices it when they're in the dark and Jaewon's dream barely reflects in his eyes. 

Sick.

MAYHEM is sick - sick at its very core - and Minsoo dwells on this as his dream, burning and raging, whirls around his head.

Minsoo is sick, and MAYHEM is sick because of it.

(he wonders, briefly, why they never used his relation to Minsung for profit, then drops it.)

✦

Jaewon's second dream flies around his head, slow and close to his hair, and Minsoo hates it.

Hates how Jaewon has two dreams - even ones broken and dull as they are - when Minsoo only has one, fueled by the flames of _rage_.

He screams it at the redhead during some meaningless argument - demands to know why he has the _right_ to dream, demands to know what's _so fucking important_ to him that he wants it above all else - and the second, tinier dream dims, just a little.

Oh.

(Minsoo feels like a fool.)

✦

Minsung pins him to the mats at ISAC, and Minsoo wants to punch him.

"I'm not going easy on you either," he grins, with that _goddamned_ smirk that all the kids at their high school fell in love with, and Minsoo wants nothing more than to grab the dream floating around his head and _crush it_.

So he does.

He reaches up and grasps the dull, floating orb, ignoring Minsung's questions and the others' concerned murmurs.

He grabs, and he _squeezes_.

✦

_"You should do better for your brother. If you're a good role model, he'll try better, too."_

_"Minsoo, you could stand to be more like Minsung."_

_"Why are you studying so hard? You don't even like school."_

_"I hate you!"_

_"He looks up to you, you know?"_

Oh, Minsoo realizes, his hand falling to the mat. 

Oh.

(the anger simmering in his chest dims, just a little.)

He stares up into Minsung's eyes, emotions swirling in his chest, and before anyone can react, he _fucking decks him_.

✦

"Minsoo, what the fuck?"

Dongho presses an ice pack to his chin with much more force than is strictly necessary, and Minsoo winces, shoving the elder away.

"It's nothing."

"You punched your brother," Dongho points out, and Minsoo scowls. "That's not nothing."

"It's _nothing_."

"Min-"

"Just fuck off, Dongho."

He's tired, he's crumbling, and he _can't fucking do this right now._

Dongho drops the ice pack in his lap, and Minsoo winces, picking it up and pressing it back to his cheek. "Hyung-"

"Bye," Dongho simply replies, and Minsoo watches as the door clicks shut behind him, his hand falling to his lap as the ice pack sits, forgotten. 

✦

"Hyung?"

Jaewon bends down next to him, eyes flashing with concern, and Minsoo tries to ignore the dreams swirling around his head - twin pinpricks of light duller than the faintest stars. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"...hyung's upset."

He's not talking about Minsoo.

"I doubt it."

"Well," Jaewon clarifies, "upset for _him_."

"He went to the gym."

"Mhm."

Minsoo eases off his headphones as the game-over screen pops up, holding them in one hand as he turns to face Jaewon. "What do you want me to do about it?"

Jaewon's dream dims, just a little, and Minsoo's shoving him back before he can think about it. 

_He's so fucking sick of this_.

He's sick of his broken dream, sick of the hate that won't go away, _sick sick sick_ of the way Jaewon looks at him with such a _painful_ amount of hope in his eyes, sick-

sick.

Minsoo is _sick_.

Sick in the head, if nothing else, because _this isn't fucking normal_.

"Hyung-"

" _Stop looking at me like that_!"

Jaewon stumbles back, horror shining in his eyes, and Minsoo throws his headphones to the desk, rounding on the younger man as the omnipresent _hate_ blankets his mind.

"Stop looking at me with that _fucking hope_ in your eyes, Ahn Jaewon! I don't give an _iota of a shit_ what you want, because you're _so much luckier_ than you will _ever_ know, and you have the fucking _gall_ to act like you need _more_."

(Minsoo could apply that to himself.)

"Hyung-"

"Shut the fuck up," Minsoo spits, hands balling into fists at his side. "Get out and leave me the _fuck_ alone."

"Hyu-"

" _Go!_ "

Jaewon stumbles back, eyes shining with tears, and as a tendril of regret creeps into Minsoo's hate-filled heart, he leaves, the door slamming shut behind him.

✦

Sick.

Minsoo is _sick_.

His forehead rests against the glass, nails digging into the porcelain sink, and he pulls back, the planes of his face illuminated by nothing more than the teetering red orb floating around him.

Sick.

He stares at his reflection for a moment longer - sick in the head, sick in the heart - and he drives his fist into the glass.

He can't direct enough hate outward.

Turning it inward is the only viable option.

He stumbles back, hysteria bubbling in his chest, and he watches, torn somewhere between laughing and crying and screaming, as the crimson orb grows bright enough to illuminate the entire room.

Hate.

When he inhales, he smells ash.

✦

They don't talk about it.

It's best if they don't talk about it, really.

Minsoo does his job, and the others do theirs, and he tries not to notice the way Jaewon's dream crumbles further with each passing day.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care, and it's okay.

(caring leads to hate, and Minsoo has so, so much hate.)

✦

Dongho corners him two weeks after the Jaewon Incident (nicknamed by Minsoo, in one of his most sarcastic moods), and Minsoo wishes he could say he was surprised.

It's not even a full interrogation, though Dongho could make it one if he wanted to. No, instead he just... leans against the wall, dark eyes narrowed, and asks Minsoo what the fuck he's doing.

"Nothing," Minsoo simply replies, and Dongho's eyes narrow further.

"Bullshit."

"I mean it."

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

"Why did you punch Minsung?"

"I don't have to tell you."

"Why did Daehyun call me because you made Jaewon cry to the point of incoherency?"

"I don't have to tell you."

"Cut the shit, Minsoo."

Dongho folds his arms over his chest, disapproval evident. "What's going on here?"

Minsoo's gaze lands on the dream floating around his head, and he taps his phone with excessive force.

"Minsoo."

"I don't have to tell you."

Before he can move, Dongho rips the phone from his hands and throws it across the room, planting his hands on either side of Minsoo's head. 

"What-"

" _Talk to me_."

Minsoo isn't sure if this is his attempt to be emotionally sensitive or not, but if it is, that's really sad.

"No."

"Why?"

Minsoo meets the elder's dark gaze, lips quirking into a half-grin as he folds his arms over his chest. "I don't have to."

He's wholly unprepared for Dongho's fist to slam into his cheek.

He crumples against the cushions, one hand coming up to brush his sore cheek, and Dongho looms over him, eyes devoid of any kind of empathy.

"Dongho, what the _fuck_ -"

"Talk to me," Dongho repeats, and _oh_ , Minsoo thinks, _this is how this is going to go._

"Is this how you get your kicks?" he taunts, rubbing his jaw as he pushes himself upright. "Punching people who're younger than you?"

"You think I like doing this?"

"Yep."

"I _don't_."

"I don't believe you."

"Do you want to let this lie?"

Dongho stares at him, disappointment mingling with hurt, and Minsoo finds he _doesn't fucking care._

"Yeah."

He's expecting the door slam, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

✦

"Minsoo-hyung-"

"Leave me _alone_ , Daehyun-ah."

Daehyun pauses, hand on the doorknob, and he musters up a smile, though Minsoo won't see it.

"...I brought you dinner. I made it myself. Your favorite. I was, uh... I was hoping you'd want to eat with us?"

No response.

"Feel better soon, hyung," Daehyun murmurs, though it's for no-one but himself. 

✦

Minsoo stares at his reflection - distorted by the hundreds of cracks webbing across the mirror - and he digs his nails into his knees, watching as the red orb flickers across jagged glass.

Hate.

He's pushed forwards by hate, pushed forwards by _fury_ , but the more he looks at it, the less he thinks that hate is directed at Minsung.

It's at himself. 

The orb flickers, once-twice-thrice, and Minsoo watches as it winks out, plunging the room into darkness.

What is his dream?

Being an idol has lost its luster. Moving forwards in any capacity has lost its thrill.

He picks up one of the jagged pieces of glass - blind without the flickering red light - and tries to press it into the mirror, a laugh bubbling up in his throat as it falls to the floor.

What a fool he was.

"Hyung?"

He raises his head, gaze landing on Jaewon's face.

Oh.

"Hey."

Jaewon crouches next to him, a gentle smile on his lips, and he stares at the mirror, concern flashing in his eyes.

"What happened?"

"Punched the mirror."

"Why?"

"Didn't wanna see myself."

"...what did you see, hyung?"

"What?"

Jaewon takes a seat, thankfully not impaling himself on glass, and he pulls his legs to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. "What did you see?"

"Dreams," Minsoo vaguely replies, gesturing as if to encompass the entire world. "I see dreams."

"...can you see mine?"

"Two," Minsoo replies, and Jaewon stills. "They're not very bright."

He almost wants to say that Jaewon should hope a little more, but god is that hypocritical.

"I don't have a dream, Jaewon-ah."

"...that's okay, hyung."

"I'm sick."

"That's okay."

"I'm sick and broken and fucked-up, Jaewon-ah."

"That's okay."

Jaewon smiles, a little venturing, a little weak. "You don't need to have a dream, Minsoo-hyung."

"Oh," he simply replies, and even if he doesn't believe it, he appreciates it. "...thanks, Jaewon-ah."

"I didn't do anything," Jaewon weakly replies, and Minsoo shakes his head.

"You came back."

"Of course I did."

He wants to be that kind of person, Minsoo realizes. 

Wants to be someone who comes back.

"...thank you."

Jaewon's dream brightens, just a little, and Minsoo watches as a tiny pinprick of light floats into orbit, adopting a wobbly path around his head.

It may be tiny, but it's so much brighter than his other dream ever was.

_I want to be a good person._

A difficult and far-off dream, but one he'll chase nonetheless.

✧

"What's your dream?"

"I want to be a good person. The kind who can make people smile, and who always comes back. That's who I want to be."

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by jubyphonic's cover of "palmtop wonderland"
> 
> idk how i feel about the ending but it's there ig
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/i_was_human_) | [lit fic discord!](https://discord.gg/CNunB74)


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